Blog Plate Special of the day!

Well well well. . . so much to tell! Hope you're not on a diet 'cause  I'm aimin' to sit down with ya and chew the fat! Here's my ramblin' Blog from most recent to oldest!  It's all you can eat so help yourself!

New math

Monday, February 01, 2010

I've never been very good at math but I have been learning a few things lately like GREATER THAN > and LESS THAN < but not much about EQUAL TO =. From what I have heard and seen lately I tried doing some calculations myself and here's a few different totals I came up with
:

If I listen to the Christipublicans I get this:
Photobucket


If I listen to Kathy Griffin I get this:
Fried butter math


But if I listen to my heart I get this:
Math lesson: Less than

Civil Miss obedience

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


WORLD RECORD ATTEMPTS PART 2 AND 3


What: Attempts to set the World Records for Largest Engagement Party 
            and Largest Mass Same Sex Marriage
When: Monday 2/1/10 at Noon and Saturday 2/13/10 also at Noon
Where: New Mexico Capitol Building (Roundhouse)
Who: Reverend Mrs. Wenda Watch
Why: Support Domestic Partnership Equality

    Following on the heels of her attempt to create the World's Largest Engagement Ring by surrounding the New Mexico State Capitol Roundhouse in gold lame, local personality Wenda Watch will continue her attempts at World Record setting by trying to set back to back records at the state capitol for Domestic Partnership Equality.
  At noon on February 1st, Mrs. Watch has asked anyone and everyone wanting to show support for Domestic Partnership Equality to show up and get engaged.  Engagement rings will be provided and Mrs. Watch hopes that among the guest speakers and rally signs over 200 couples will not only take the pledge setting the World's Record for the World's Largest Engagement Party but also let the legislature know that New Mexicans demand equality.
  Next on Saturday, February 12th also at noon Wenda, who was recently ordained a minister by American Marriage Ministries, along with the couples who got engaged on Monday (as well as anyone else wanting to 'take the plunge') will take part in the World's Largest (and illegal!) Same Sex Mass Marriage.
    Nicknamed Civil Miss Obedience, Wenda will not only marry the couples on the steps of the capitol demanding Domestic Partnership Equality but because it is illegal in New Mexico hopes to not only walk away with the World's Record but earn some jail time in doing so. "All great Americans before us from Henry David Thoreau to the Boston Tea Party Gang to the ACT UP folks have, when the route of peacefully and patiently waiting for what is inherently theirs but denied them anyway hasn't worked practiced some good old American Civil Disobedience and I feel we have wasted enough time debating whether the GLBT community deserves Domestic Partnership Equality. Saying 'these people can have this privilege but that group cannot because they are not like we are' is incredibly Un-American and being the dyed in the wool red white and blue gal that I am, I can no longer sit by and keep quite. If private churches do not want to marry same sex couples that is fine, that is their right but when it comes to our government and allowing everyone equal opportunities and equal rights, I can't believe Domestic Partnership is even in question. So I figured that since I am ordained and able to marry these folks and I think they deserve Equality then I am gonna do it, even if that means being arrested. I'm not sitting in the back of the bus anymore and I'll dump every crate of tea I can get my hands on. I've been called "The Mouth from the South" and everyone is about to see why. I am a peace loving, patient gal-- up to a point and where I come from, according to my watch, it's about 10 minutes past butt kicking time." said Wenda in a recent interview with EQNM.
To contact Wenda you can email her at misswendawatch@gmail.com

FUX News-I cain't take it no more!

Friday, September 04, 2009, 8:19 AM
   
With the past weeks of people fighting, screaming and showing up with guns to Obama rallies and Town Hall meetings I just couldn't figure out what had gotten into people. We are Americans. This is not how we behave. I started snooping around (as usual) and found FOX News ECOURAGING people to act like this. I saw clips of the commentators KIDDING ABOUT KILLING OBAMA!
No.
  This is not who we are. Do people not realize that FOX is owned by an AUSTRALIAN Billionaire that could give two shits about he effects his network has on our country as long as it brings in ratings and money?
  After snooping around I found HOURS of footage of proven FOX broadcasting lies, opinions in the news and altered footage and pictures. They are LYING to us America and we are the ones suffering!

Do you think Bill O'Reilly is out screaming at town hall meetings or taking guns to rallies or fighting with the same neighbors he has lived next two for the past twenty years? Do you think he sleeps at night or tosses and turns because he can't pay the rent, child care and car payments? No. He goes on the air, acts the fool, makes up whatever to twist the story how he wants it to turn out, gets all of us all upset and pissed off, then he goes laughing all the way to the bank in his chauffer driven limo and we are left to spread his hate amongst ourselves while he sleeps like a baby.
Now,I am not saying go watch MSNBC either.Or believe what I am saying here. Go to YouTube and search for actual footage and their proven lies. Google it. Ot just forget Fox and spend the time researching the real issues. Like what is Obama's Healthplan really?  I don't know. Do you? Do you or is it stuff you've just heard on the news?
  I am just saying we must stop being force fed our information from sources that put THEIR opinions in OUR news. Let's research and find out the TRUTH for ourselves and then handle ourselves like civilized Americans. Speak out! Act up! Fight for your rights but for God's sake make sure its YOU that feels the way you do and not someone else making you feel that way.

And never forget America VIOLENCE is NEVER, NEVER the answer.
Ever.
Peace.

Wenda in the lion's den

Sunday, September 21, 2008, 11:48 PM
Well Miss Wenda put on the biggest pinkest most glitteriest thing she could find, made a big sign that said "God Loves Me" on one side "And Jesus thinks I'm Fabulous!" on the other and headed down to the new Santa Fe Convention Center.
Wenda Watch Wenda Watch
When the people from the Dallas Bible Church holding their hate rally in the guise of Jesus' love approached me and told me I was welcome to come in I told them "I know. Its MY community center. I live here." When they said that they are just here to praise Jesus and "don't hate anyone" I asked then why did their website say that the "Homosexual explosion" had turned Santa Fe into a new Sodomy and Gomorrah and it's river had dried up like the city's morals and they would pray for Santa Fe's sins and when our morals returned the river would flow again. "  They SERIOUSLY asked me "What website?" I told them www.revivesantafe.com and they just stared at me. This happened more than once! I asked them "Don't you know what this group is?? Haven't you researched who these people that have come into OUR home to tell us how we are living is wrong are??? If they ask you to drink the kool aid; are you going to???"
    One girl said "but its in the Bible" and I said "Yes, and in the same paragraph in Leviticus saying its a sin it also says that eating shellfish, wearing blended fabrics and having sex with a women while she is menstruating is just as big a sin. Have you done any of those?  I believe your "Revive Santa Fe" t-shirt is a cotton-poly blend there. The bible is not a buffet, we don't get to pick and choose what we like and don't like!" No response. (I was really amazed at how little these people really knew. How much, when given the facts, they were unable to back up wheat they were doing there.)
    Finally when the head honcho came out and again, told me I was welcome inside I told him "I know I am ITS MY COMMUNITY CENTER! I live here! And honey, I just moved from Dallas a year ago and I know how it rolls too." He smiled ands said "Its a great city isn't it?" and I said "Yea, but let me ask you doesn't the Bible say "Pick the plank from your eye before picking the splinter from mine?" "Yes it does" said the Texan "Well apply it" I said. "This city is the oldest in the country. Over 400 years old and we are doing just fine. You go get Dallas cleaned up and sin free THEN come back and see us."

    Once the line was substantial enough I said so everyone could hear "The real reason I am here is because the suicide rate amongst lesbian and gay youth is extremely higher than any other minority and it is because when life is bad enough and they feel they have no one to turn to and should be able to take comfort in the love of God you people tell them He hates them instead and THAT IS A CRIME! No matter what you do you CAN NOT convince me that God doesn't love me exactly as I am and for you to use Gods love as a weapon against people different that you must be a sin bigger than any other I can think of."
    Someone said "God DOES love you, he hates the homosexual act!" I said "If God is all love then how can He hate?" They had no answer. It was time to go inside and they again invited me in. I apologized and said I had to go put my "Christ Consciousness" into action and had volunteered to go work on a show for the Santa Fe Recovery Center helping alcoholics and addicts." (Yea I know talk about me playing the martyr card but those people eat that kind of shit up and it shut them up thinking I wouldn't come see what they were about because I was actually DOING something to help others! hee hee) I told them that I hoped they would think about what I had said and to remember  the only time Jesus got mad is when he went to church!
    If nothing else there was a high school girl waiting to go in that I looked over at and she smiled and did  tiny hidden waive to me barely moving her fingers. Maybe she will know that God loves her for whoever she is.  AND YOU TOO!
  Okay enough-the newspaper story is below. How they didn't use a picture of me I'll NEVER know!!!!  LOL Have a great day!!!
http://www.santafenewmexican.com/SantaFeNorthernNM/Revivalleaders--Mission-is-one-of-love

The email below is an open letter that I sent to Kyle Martin head of Revive Santa Fe  which is the group sent up here from Dallas Bible Church (DBC) to 'save' Santa Fe.
Dear Mr. Martin,
    Well I heard we had some out of state visitors to our new convention center and I wanted to go down and welcome ya'll to OUR city like a good hostess should so I put on my prettiest pink dress and went  down to MY new convention center to see your Texas group there.  Took LOTS of GREAT pictures too!  Although it is a clever guise you are using wanting to pray for Santa Fe's river that has "dried up like our morals" And how the "homosexual explosion" has ruined our community unfortunately your concern just  doesn't ring true.
    You see, I moved from Dallas over a year ago and I gotta tell ya Kyle; you really have some nerve thinking OUR city needs help.  Not only is our city 400 years old and doing quite well but Kyle honey, we don't even have a GAY NIGHTCLUB in our town.  Dallas??? Please.  Because I believe God is pure love and therefore cannot hate anything or anyone I'm not always on the look out for cities full of sinners that need savin' but since you do you might want to take the Biblical quote "Remove the timber from your eye before plucking the splinter from mine" and apply it.
    Unfortunately, looking deeper and knowing from past experience that most of these new Wal-Mart churches' motives (like DBC) and the Zealots that lead it (whom The Bible also tells us to steer clear of) are usually not on the  fundamental side so much as they are on the fiduciary me thinks that Dallas just can't support another "mega-church" and upon looking around and surveying the land several bells and whistles went off when asking yourselves two questions: "Where is there a place with 1) wealth and 2) no mega churches? "  and "Santa Fe" was the response that came back.
    Now honey,  I believe in free speech and since I want to have the right to live me life the way I like I must respect the fact that you have the right to live yours as you like. But just as I don't come to your house and try and dress you in drag or force you to date a man because I think its right, don't be coming into my home and try and force what YOU think is right on me.
      You know,  when I hear of gay and lesbians teens time and again committing suicide (their suicide rate is disproportionately higher than any other teen group) because at a time in their life when they are already so confused and troubled then to add the confusion of possibly being gay to that and feeling they have nowhere to turn and the only place they may have to find comfort is in God's love and you come along and tell them they don't have that either because God hates them is nothing short of a crime.  Using God's love as a weapon against people different than you is, if I believed as you do, probably the greatest sin I can imagine.  I know, I know "God loves everybody he hates the homosexual act"  as many of your people tried to explain to me as I marched up and down Marcy street with my "God Loves Me and Jesus thinks I'm Fabulous!" sign. Blah Blah Blah. You are still singling out the homosexual as not being perfect whole and complete and just as God made them, which is not true.
      Being such an avid Bible reader as I am sure you are Kyle certainly you know that the same book of the Bible, Leviticus, that says that homosexuality is a sin also says eating pork or shrimp, shaving, wearing blended  fabrics and having sex with a women while menstruating is just as evil a sin. SOOOO,  just our of curiosity Kyle, ever get all showered and shaved, slip into a cotton-poly blend shirt and slacks to go eat at Red Lobster and have a romantic evening to help soothe your grouchy wife???
      Hmmmmm??? 
    Well that's FOUR in one evening!  Us poor gays just have the one sin. (Unless of course WE get cleaned up and go eat Red Lobster with our boyfriends. But that's still only 3 sins since we, as men, don't menstruate and RARELY wear a cotton poly blend!  And eating at Red Lobster is kinda questionable too so we might just have the two sins [shaving and gay sex] to your four. ) Jeez!  Come to think of it. Maybe we need to be praying for you all.  My God! Every day there are millions of middle class straight people in strip malls and road side BBQ stands around the country that are just blindly sinning their way to hell and flinging their Kathy Lee Gifford sports apparel and McRib sandwiches right into the face of God!! 
      The Bible is not a buffet, friend. We can not pick and choose what we want and leave what we don't so if you are gonna pursue this "pray for the gays" thing you better get your act in order quick! Or better off, just admit you don't like fags and quit hiding behind Jesus' robes. Heck, I would respect that a whole lot more than this, I mean at least its honest.  Or, as I suspect is the case, just come out of the damn closet and quit taking your self hatred and internalized homophobia out on the rest of us and give me a break because, to me, and I am serious about this what you are practicing is a form of terrorism.
    Coming into someone else's town and home, uninvited, and deciding that how they are living is wrong and your way is right and then forcing your ideas, concerns and religious beliefs on them while telling them that they need to be saved and that by thinking like you do and acting like you do they will be happier and their city will be better is, quite simply, terrorism and right now there is only one thing the entire country agrees on and that is "We won't let the terrorist win."
    Go home Kyle. Save YOUR city. Save YOUR soul or better yet be a real Christian and just do the two things Jesus asked of us: Love God with all your heart and love one another and let's leave the judging up to HIM.  Have a safe trip back and come back next year for Zozobra. If you are lookin' for somethin' else to pray for Santa Fe about have we got a pagan ritual for you!!

XOXO
Miss Wenda Watch

Wenda's Gay 101 with Homo-Work

Saturday, July 25, 2009, 1:47 PM

Well Hi Babies !

      It's me again: your old pal Wenda Watch! Well my Lord what a long hard road it has been! For those of you who go way back with me to my days as cable access queen and host of my very own white-trash cooking show beamed directly from my mobile home to yours it is so good to be back with you again! For those of you I am just meeting allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Wenda Watch and I have been involved with the gays now for over 20 years, and really through no fault of my own.  What happened was like I said earlier  back in the late 80's I was just mindin' my own business, doin' my cooking show when somehow the satellite beam got screwed up and off it shot over San Francisco right into the home of my now dear friend Sister Zsa Zsa Glamour of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.  Well she thought my show was funny or campy or somethin' like that (To this day still not real sure why. I was just cookin' my favorite Spam recipes. Nothin funny ‘bout Spam.) Anyway, she asked if I would come to San Fran and do her show Lavender Lounge.  Well my husband Burl is on the road truckin' so much and all of the kids is gone, well ‘cept for Goat and he's so busy what with runnin' his tattoo parlor out there in the converted carport garage that he never misses me so I said ‘why not!'

  Well before I know it I get swept off into the dizzying highs and horrible lows of the queer lifestyle. Party after party star after star. Before I knew what was happening I was whisked off to nowhere else but Hollywood! Just like a slightly larger Lana Turner (who said “who?!”) I was taken to La La Land to be a part of QTN; the first international privately run Queer Television Network! Yes Babies, Miss Wenda was on her way! How thrilling that little ‘ol me was picked by a television network to criss-cross dress America and travel from state to state exploring the wondrous world of drag queens and kings and report back to all of you about all of it. 

  Of course, with all of the love, support and desire that our wonderful country America has to give to welcome diversity and embrace the gay culture that it has, the damn thing went belly up within the year. 

    Well you can imagine my shock and chagrin. There I was already getting signatures on the petition to give me a star on the Walk of Fame (If Donald trump can have one I can too, besides my wigs look better anyway.) when the heel dropped and I was out on my ear stranded in Hollywood. (Burbank actually and honey let me tell you it is a long hike over that hill!)  What was a girl to do?

    Luckily, about this time Burl had pulled through Silver Lake where I was staying (don't ask) in his big rig and was gonna drive me back home to Oklahoma.  Well, as we were goin' down I-40 I realized we would be passin' through New Mexico and I had always dreamed of seeing Albuquerque and Santa Fe! Now that I have seen ‘em I'm not quite sure why I had always dreamed that but in any state that is so brown I stick out like some exotic tropical flower I can't help but love it, so I stayed. Got me one of them what they call Casitas in Santa Fe and started lookin' for my gays.

    Well! You can imagine my shock and horror when snooping around the town so many of the fags back west call Santa Gay that I wasn't able to find even ONE gay bar. Well, there is one but its more like paying a visit to my great aunt Chubby at the retirement home back in Oklahoma affectionately called “God's Little Waiting Room” than it is visiting a gay club.  Anyway, when I did run across the occasional gay, lesbian or (thank God!) a tranny I was just dumbfounded to learn they knew nothing of their, your, our fabulous gay heritage and history. No no no! This would not do! I immediately called up my dear friend Ryan at The Voice and I said “Who ever has been passing out gay cards around here is asleep at the wheel! Being gay means SO much more than sleeping with someone of the same sex you barely know and will regret meeting in the morning! It is more than knowing Brittany's precise location of every freakin' moment of every freakin' day. (Jesus can you imagine where that girl would be if she was talented? All this on a whiny voice and Manic Depression. Shit, if that's all it takes my closet should be filled with Grammy's by now!)

    Anyway, I realized that once again the GLBT community was in desperate need of Miss Wenda's help! Wonder Wenda to the rescue.  So here's how its gonna go down kids. I will do my part to help the community by bringing fabulous, famous, wonderful GLBT community members to our dried up little neck of the woods here in New Mexico (Can anyone say Trannyshack Southwest starring Heklina of San Francisco fame? Stay tuned—I've got her comin' with a whole gaggle of Trannys in May!) But you're gonna have to do your part too.  I am revoking everyone's gay cards as of now and we are all going back to school! I will be assigning ‘homo-work' for you all each week and the following week we will discuss what we learned and then get our new homo-work for the next week.  You may be asked to read a book, download a Shirley Bassey song. (Who said ‘Who?!” See this is EXACTLY what I am talkin' about!) You may be asked to watch a camp classic movie or find out who Harvey Milk is before the big new Sean Penn movie about his life comes out.

    Eventually I hope to host gay movie night at one of the local theaters where we can all join together in a darken room, finally for once without a mirrored ball hanging from the roof and the smell of poppers hanging in the air.  We can all come together in our faggotry, dykeness, and trannydom and bask in the glow of Judy in Oz, or Divine in Baltimore both magical wonderful moments in our Queer history.

    So-nice to meet ‘cha! If you see me out you'd better say ‘howdy!” Rest up ‘cause schools back in session starting next issue. Oh babies we are gonna have a ball together joyously trudging down the yellow brick road of our incredible GLBT history and heritage. So- stay tuned!  I've got so much fun up my sleeve you'd think I was Doug Henning. (Who said “who?!”)
Wenda's Gay 101 Podcasr

A Letter Home

Thursday, July 23, 2009, 2:12 PM

In between shifts, or when the fryer is down I like to take the time and write home to friends and family. Below is one of the grease and tear stained letters for you to read.

I wrote this to my dear friend Jack E. Jett upon hearing he was planning on going for the world's record for the longest televised broadcast.

    Oh Jackie Honey!! The World's Record!!! Finally you will have earned a world record title without the words “Miss” “Tranny” or “Bukkake” in them. I am so proud! The thought of it just brings a tear to my eyes! Well I have some big news! Can you believe it? Here I am heading back home to Wetumpka Oklahoma after bein' thrown out on my ass in Hollywood when out of the blue I get the chance to set up a diner right here in Santa Fe! Well in my off time I have been trying to write for The Voice here in New Mexico. I was also asked about maybe writin' what they call a ‘blog' for my new site, which was donated by my dear friend Zsa Zsa Glamour. Well seein' as how she discovered me when my cable access feed got shot to the wrong satellite and she started airin' my cookin' show out there in San Fran how could I say no?
      I did however say ‘maybe.' I wanted to look at her website, www.lavenderlounge.com first. Now, let me tell you I am no prude, and the longer George Bush is in office the more I want to rip my clothes off and run across the White House lawn screamin' “Give Me Back My Country!” however I was not quite prepared for the magic that is Lavender Lounge.
      The main reason being is ever since my husband Burl got drunk and threw up on my computer keyboard I have been forced to do all of my internet browsing at the local library. (As a side note now that Big Sheriff Pete won't let me target practice by shootin' rats at the dump anymore I have instead focused that energy learnin' the computer.) Well, when I tried to pull up the site www.LavenderLounge.com I should have known something was up. I had to disable the firewall, shut down Windows Defender and hack in as an Administrator just to open the site, but I went ahead anyway. Usually Penny Patterson, our local shrew and librarian, has the content filters jacked so high you can't down load the alphabet passed the letter X so I was hopin' it was just her. Anyhoo, once I got a clear shot at the web and got into see ‘La Lounge' for myself I couldn't believe it!  You cannot imagine my shock and surprise to find a very well laid out, bright and fun gay man's porn site with some other creative, interesting tid bits to look at in between “appreciating” the pictures and videos. How refreshing. That did it for me and right then and there I decided that I would love to be the filler in Sister Zsa Zsa's porn meatloaf!
    Why I would be helping socially by sharing my recipes and helpful hints to the public as well as helping physically by giving the tired members' hands a chance to uncramp while reading my writin's and such. Perfect!
      Of course in my world nothin' stays perfect for long and sure enough just then all hell broke loose. I guess Penny has some kind of alarm system back there behind the check-out desk because just as I heard the sirens I looked up to see her headed my way.
      Lord, God- she was scootin' down the isle so quick I was afraid a spark from the static electricity her Orthopedic Shoes were causin' would light up one of the dried out old book pages and we'd all be burnt alive, right there in the stacks! (Which, I was afraid, was Penny's plan in the first place.) Well I  switched to the decoy tab I had opened earlier featuring my dear friend Betty Butterfield. Luckily a homeless man next to me was knee deep in some Tranny-Porn and Penny got him instead. ***(note to self: call Heklina and remind her to update her site.)
    Anyway, seein' as this is my first “blog,” ( I guess that's what they call them-‘Blog.' Sounds to me like when of my youngins' has a fever and comes in sayin' “Momb by nose id blogged.” I mean who thought that up? God forbid they name it somethin' purty like “e-spressions: the electronic expression”) I figure before I get to the task I have chosen to tackle with this “blog” (ugh! It's like the sound you make when you step in a sink hole) which is to bitch about the internet, (see I've started already) and maybe share a recipe or two, I figure we had better get reacquainted.
    Although we haven't been in touch much in the last few years, due to my hectic family life and your alcoholism, you have to know that bein' asked to do this makes me so proud! The thought of it just brings a tear to my eyes! I think it's because I have been feelin' like a real failure lately since neither me nor my family haven't amounted to much. Burl is still truckin' and so far not one of my real kids ever got further along than Uncle Smiley's Trade-School, which I still think is a rip off to this day.
    Teachin' kids how to repair old Beta-Maxs' and Garbage Disposals and passin' it off as “a steppin' stone to your dream career” to me is just blatant lies. I mean learnin' about fixin' just those two things can only come in so handy. Three years Goat went there and can't even jump start my car if I need. But oooh boy! If a fork gets caught down the drain he is Johnny-On-The-Spot! It breaks my heart to tell him a broom handle can do the same job he spent three years train' on and doesn't charge for the service.
    And Darlene, my dear dumb-ass daughter Darlene. I know she got her associates degree from El Reno Junior College and was the first Watch to get ANY type of higher learnin' but since her grades were based on the sexual act she was willing to perform on her “professors” to get them [you know ‘B for Blow' ‘A for Anal'] well I just don't think that counts!
    Now I do have my excuses for why you haven't heard from me in a million moons, and I have been meanin' to sit down and write you a letter several times but a couple things have gotten in my way. First and foremost is since Goat has yet to find a steady income in the Beta Max Revolution he swears is coming (do NOT mention DVD's to him AT ALL), well he has started his own tattoo parlor out under the carport and there
is not an ink pen left in the house!! I tried to write you but all that was left in the house to write with was two broken crayons and a Sharpie and by the time the letter was done, well it looked like I was writin' to ya from the crazy house! (And I should know . . . I still have all of momma's letters.) The other reason is we are havin' a bit of a paper shortage around here, but I don't want to go in to that particular problem right now.
    You know I don't think we've spoken since my big nationwide television debut as hostess of The Q Television Network's Hit Show “Life's A Drag.” You remember QTN? It was one of the only gay television networks ever and with the love and support of America and its never-ending desire to accept change and embrace diversity the damn thing went belly up within a year.
      Actually it was just about the time I went to work there they went out of business come to think of it. Hmmmmmmmm? Odd. Anyhoo more inside dirt on that later. I only bring it up because we haven't spoken since then.
    Oh! Remember the day I got discovered? Just like Lana Turner sittin' at the Schwab's Drug Store Soda Counter covered in her pale pink sweater set. (Only I was at the Cum- N-Go covered in tattoo blood and Vaseline but why split hairs?) You were hosting “The Queer Edge” at the time and found me down to the Laundromat. I was just about to drop in my Downy Ball when you came in. People like you, who've been on TV and all, what with the way they dress and have their hair done, they are
different than the rest of us. I saw you and just one thought came to mind the moment I laid eyes on you: there is one big homosexual. You burst into the Cum-N-Go and was making a big stink to Lovinda the owner. Something about “the store sign was very misleading” “Tourist Trap” “False Advertising” and “the total lack of truck stops along I-40”. I don't know what all. Well you kept talking about stuff none of us understood when you said somethin about findin' Glory and the Hole in your life. Fillin' your Glory Hole or somethin' (I figured it must be one of them new Spiritual Hollywood religions) well that was enough for Lovinda (a died in the wool Charismatic Pentecostal) and off she went speakin' in tongues and rollin' around. I remember you was just about to shove a pencil under her tongue when I jumped in and grabbed your hands.
    For the longest time all you could do was stare at my hands. You was admiring the yellow rubber gloves I wear to do my bleachin' and we got to talkin' and you said you thought I would be perfect for this show they were puttin' together. He was out lookin' for the average housewife (little does he know) to travel around the country and discover all of the different drag shows and styles out there.
    Well I wasn't born yesterday and knew you weren't talking about the car races. I may be from a small town, but the gays pop up everywhere and if you're in a little bitty ol' town like Wetumpka and have half a brain the first thing you do when you get to town is git in your car (or Big Wheel as the case may be) and drive around until you find yourself a gay. In these smaller country towns we tend to grow ‘em skinny, blonde and nervous. You'll know ‘em when you see ‘em. Anyway best advice I can give a married woman: Pull over, introduce yourself, offer him a ride, take him for a coca cola WHATEVER. Before you know it you will have the best friend a married mother of 6 could have. Honey they LIKE to clean. They'll do your hair bettern' anyone down to The Hair Barn, they'll keep you company and help you fold clothes. They don't mind skippin' school to come spend the day with you and watch all your stories together. Them little things don't hardly eat nothin' they's so nervous all the time and FUNNY! Child I can not begin to tell you. There is a couple cautions I should give if you are going to adopt a gay. They are to 1) Hide your prescription pain pills, 2) Don't leave ‘em alone with the satellite remote as Direct TV will only write off one of them $8.99 Playgirl Movie Rentals once and 3) you are just going to have to get over not allowing smoking in the house. It is well worth it! Just put the baby in the carriage and roll 'em out on the porch. The little 'uns need the fresh air and believe me them little queer boys need them cigarettes. More shaky than a tea cup poodle.
      Anyway, me and my “Bag” at the time (boy/fag: he made it up) had taken me all the way to Oklahoma City a couple of times to see the Legendary Ginger Lamar along with Kitty Bob Aimes and all those girls at The Boom. So I knew what "drag" you was talkin about. Anyway I don't know what hit me but I blurted out: “I'm gonna Criss Cross Dress America!” and you were in love. I remember I told ya “Ya know I've always said "Just because life's a drag doesn't mean it has to be ugly!” and I was hired. You said “Sandra is going to love you!” and I said “Sandra who?” You laughed and said “Sandra Bernhard of course!" She is going to be co-hosting my show with me.” Well I past out right then and there landing me smack dab in the middle of the pile of Goat's blood and ink stained AC/DC t-shirts I had hauled in there to wash.
    I thought maybe you just meant for me to have a small segment on your show trying to help fill those awkward gaps when Ms. Bernhardt was off stage having her lips re-filled. I thought we might just kind of sit around and chit chat about what's goin' on at The Lazy Hooker Hot Spot and Mobile Home Court that week. You were at first concerned I may not be available what with the baby and family and all but I told you: “Trust me; I will be on that plane out to Hollywood even if Old Sammy Been Llama was drivin' the plane hisself! (P.S.-What a prick huh? Like what ol Been Llama did to all them big old buildings and poor people out there in New York wasn't horrible enough, but now thanks to him with the gas prices have gotten just too damn high! I mean it takes $42.00 just to get the LTD to start for God's sake! It's a '79 and what did we know then? Hell its gotten so bad if I need to get anywhere around town I pretty much have to tie a sheet to Little Donnie's Big Wheel and pray for wind! And before you ask: yes, thank God, I did have the foresight to hide the Big Wheel behind the Cum-N-Go before I went in. Lord! Can you imagine if a big Hollywood Homosexual type like you, Mr. Jett had seen me peddlin' down main street in a day glo Big Wheel carrying a pile of bloody rags? You might have gotten the wrong impression!
    Anyway I'll fill you in on the details of my rise and fall to and from semi-notoriety in future e-spressions. (“electronic expressions” damn that's good. Its when I come up with stuff like that gets me to wonderin' just what exactly did God have in mind when he decided to plop me down in the middle of a cow field in Oklahoma. Sometimes I get so sick of it all I am ready to just call it quits and go deal black jack in Reno. I know it's a crazy dream but I think I could do it. I've been thinkin' about it a lot lately because so many things are goin' wrong around here.)
    The worst part of it all is the new baby is a fussin' all the time. See Burl, (you know my husband Burl; you met him right after that embarrassing moment at last year's “Wal Marts presents your local home town “Fashion Week EXXXTRAVAGANZA” and they were just about to reveal the new Kathie Lee Gifford line of Klan Robes and Capri Pants. Remember what an awkward moment THAT was? Oh, Lord-I'll never forget the moment when they revealed her new line of “Mix-N-Match Hate-Wear” (“the only time its okay to mix colors.”) She stood there in front of God and everbody and promised it was all guaranteed 100% kiddy-sweat-shop-factory made. (Its terrible, I know, but they do git them little bitty stitches just right) and then they pulled the curtain and everyone just kind of gasped and mumbled to themselves and shifted around with their heads down and kickin' the dirt. We were all just SO shocked none of us knew what to do! I mean what was she thinking? An entire collection of Klan Robes you could buy right off the rack and there it was, my God, right in front of us all to see: not a XXXL in the lot!!!
    What did she think all those XXX's were for in EXXXTRAVAGANZA anyway?? Decoration? Personally I can NOT stand the racist M.F.ers (pardon my French) we got around here but that is not the point. The point is to know your market Kathie! It's basic Economics 101. If you are going to bring a clothing line from California any further East than Arizona you might as well save the Mediums for your petite collection and start gittin' little Pepe' to stitchin' XXXX's as fast as he can. See- that's what happens when these health-nut California types come to town. Suddenly everyone's all super self conscious about how they look and they start actin' stupid like questioning takin' fourths at The Golden Corral. Its ALL you can eat people! Not AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO eat. Hell, if I know we're goin' Corral'n for lunch I just clear my schedule for the rest of the day. I know better. I usually leave there about as close to strokin' out as I ever hope to be and just plan on being comatose and immobile until tomorrow's breakfast at least. Yep, Californians hit town and pretty soon the next thing you know they're expectin' you to pay hard earned money for WATER! For WATER! Lord I thought I'd never see the day. Besides- Californians ain't nothin' but Oklahomans with the red dirt washed off ‘em.
    Anyway, back to my husband Burl,well as you know we are on a real tight budget what with his war wound and havin' to get the prosthetic and all. See he gets to havin' one (or twelve) too many Coors and ends up passin' out all over town and forgettin' where he went and left his fake leg at! Lord after three you'd think either someone would have found one and turned it in for the reward or he would have learned to tie a rope to it when he goes out to the Shanty for Chicken Night. But oh no! No such luck for your Miss Wenda. Personally I think he's been throwin' them into Old Mullvey's Pond if you ask me. I tell you what them prosthesis thingies are NOT cheap believe you me. So we are already scrapin' by as it is but then Last Sunday I wake up not only to find he's passed out and legless again but he's gone and drank all the diaper money! So this week here I am havin' to wrap the baby in old newspapers to keep him from peein' all over everything. I'd let him just go naked but Lord that kid can pee more than a rabid cat so I wrap him in newspaper. I know that sound horrible but I did start with the better quality paper I could find around here like I always use the Parade first and the motel stationary I take whenever we go to Branson for the shows. (See this is why I was out of paper to write you –but I don't want to get into that) Well you can just imagine that the newspaper gets that poor little baby boy all red and rashy and just as mean as spit.
    And then since I still have to try and save some money, by the time I get done with my coupon clippin', usually for diapers,  how's that for irony? there ain't much left to use. Lord I can hardly lift my head to get another drink of beer I'm so tired of it all. And another baby to handle! I am just not up to it. I mean do YOU think it's bad I haven't  named him yet? Its not that I don't love it, I mean him, it's just that I have got so much else to do that namin' him keeps gittin put to the bottom of the pile! Hey! Pyle! Maybe I'll call him Pyle; just like that Gilligan character on the TV. Maybe out in Hollywood I'll meet him and git his autograph and we'll hang it over his crib! Little Gilligan Pyle. . .wait, what?)
    Good Lord it is funny how things work. Like the fact that you and I had known each other years before when I was first married and you were my first skinny blonde gay. Of course I didn't recognize you after all these years all cleaned up and successful.  Talkin' like this to you now makes me remember those care free days when I first met you. Member our mornin' talks when we'd sit across from one another on the steps to our adjoining' trailers with me sippin' my coffee?
      I had just woke up and was still pullin' Mr. Sandman out of my eyes and you over there on your step just a shakin' and gaggin' hung over to beat the band and doin' your best to try and sip down some old white lightnin' Daddy made back before he blew himself up. I kept some around just for you and your Monday mornings, and as a drain cleaner in emergencies. I'd sit there and you'd tell me about your big weekends out to the big city and goin' to the men's bars and sleepin in park toilets and I don't know what all! Lord, I thank God every time I get down on my knees for the day I met you. (And between you and me I seem to be on my knees a lot lately. Seems I am either always scrubbin' these floors or have'n to pleasure Skeet every Saturday like clock work and then there's the crawlin' around afterward tryin' to find out where his legs rolled off to—sometimes it feels like I git on my knees and talk to God more than Jimmy Swaggard after a night with a collection plate full of money and a church van full of hookers.) I will never forget the day you pulled up next to my trailer lot in your van. Remember that old thing? It was the van you had stolen from your Daddy after he found you in bed with his favorite huntin' dog and your uncle Little Ray- Ray. You asked if you could come and stay awhile. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was barely pregnant with number three, Peggy Jean, and you were puttin' yourself through Mr. Jacquie's House of Femme Quoiffures Beauty School by blowin' hair out at the Old Folks home durin' the day and blowin'truckers off 1-40 at night. Oh the stories you'd tell! (By the way- I have been meanin' to ask you-did they ever find the b-o-d-y? Have you ever heard anything about that? I watch Unsolved Mysteries ever now and again just to see if maybe. . .) oh dear friend I have missed you. Have you missed old Wenda?
      Well I'm getting weepy here so I better say goodbye. Lot 42 sure is empty without you. PLEASE WRITE SOON. Let's keep in touch here, every week. I'll update you about the goins' on in my world and as usual I got a few bones to pick as well. So we can just hem and haw all we want. I would love to get a real letter or two in the mail from you but if you need to get a hold of me quickly you can at misswendawatch@gmail..com just send me an “e-spression©” any time. (Okay! Okay! I'll drop it!)

      Oh! Damn it! I gotta run--the baby's just peed through the last page of my Sears Catalog and the only thing I can think of to do now is to either just go ahead and sit him in the cat box or start peelin' the labels off the canned goods. See. . .I ain't kiddin when I say “Write SOOON!” (I need the paper!) Before I go though: Honey, answer me this: How does someone get to a point in their life where they are frantically trying to find the last ink pen their convict son has yet to drain to tattoo his friends so she can write down which can of food is which because she has had to peel the labels to diaper their children? It all just snuck up so slowly its not until its all too far gone that you look up and say “Now how in the hell did I get here?”
      Oh well. This new change to the Southwest may just be the charge my life needs!  Oh the baby! Damn it! Now-Where in the hell did I put down that Sharpie??
Love to you!
XOXO Wenda

Trannyshack Farewell Performance

Thursday, September 04, 2008, 10:00AM


Well the amazing underground club and San Francisco's longest running drag show, Trannyshack, has come and gone.  My dear friend Heklina was sweet enough to invite me out to San Francisco to be one of the "command performances" she featured with her last three shows at The Stud.  I was honored to get to perform along side such amazing talent as FOUR past Miss Trannyshack title holders as well as the  incredible Rentecca!  The video is not the greatest quality as it was shot over the heads of the HUGE crowd from the back of the room but you can get to see about as well as everyone else there did.  I had sucha great time and a huge "Thank you" goes out to Heklina for allowing me to perform on that stage one last time.  Was it REALLY 12 years ago that I first performed there??? Wow! I look terrific!  I just wish I got a picture with Heklina! Where is she? Oh yea, in the back counting all her money! 


Here is another clip from a viewer closer in the crowd.


 
Here I am backstage amongst the glitter, glamour and what appears to be a glob of old lube.  Hmmm, must be Rentecca's
Wenda Watch


Here is a former Miss Trannyshack (and the first genetically female one too) as well as my good buddy Michael.
Wenda Watch



I made so many new friends!!!
Wenda Watch 

 
Rent, honey. . .you are HUGE!
Wenda Watch,Rentecca


Just two simple girls out on a Tuesday night for some fun! Me and Rentecca.
Wenda Watch,Rentecca

Found some old footage

Click to zoom the image Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 11:00 AM

Babies! Lord more and more of my past life seems to be resurfacing and I couldn't be more thrilled! Unlike so many other aspiring actresses these days I have yet to make a sex tape (which probably explains why I am still not famous!) but I have made some television and film that I can share with everyone without first askin' the yougins' to leave the room.
    This here is what they call in the biz a "sizzle reel". It highlights all of your past work. I am stealing my dear sweet heart Andrew Scott's sizzle reel as I happen to appear in it here and there. He produced the fabulous talk show "On Q  Live" and I had the honor to co-host the show for a week. Enjoy and there is MUCH more to come so keep checking back.

Tranny-Insanity!

Monday, May 19, 2008, 1:30 PM

Well it has come and gone and it was too much fun to even be believed! The Trannyshack girls made the past weekend an enormous success!!
    Now don't worry babies I will be posting lots of videos and pics of all of the events but for now let this little video tide you over. This is Matthew Martin as Baby Jane. He appeared this week in Santa Fe and absolutely brought the house down AFTER the real show ended and we ended up crashing a Cajun Crawfish Boil happening at Second Street Brewing Company across the street from Backroads Pizza where the show was. Well walking in with 7 drag queens (5 of whom where all over 7 feet tall!) was a bit scary but leave it to Miss Martin to pull a stunt out of her hat to rival one of the best scenes in "Priscilla Queen of the Desert." Before we even knew what was happening we look over and the broad is on stage with the Zitago band singing "All of Me" to beat the band!! We11 that made the entire room, rednecks and trannys alike, stand and cheer for this amazing performer and the rest of that incredible night is history!  Here he is at San Francisco's Metro as his legendary Baby Jane Hudson. Go Baby Go Baby Go!

And here is a preview for Matthew's upcoming film: Baby Jane


Now let's talk about Peaches! What a doll. So sweet, so SPOOKY!  Her Midnight Mass is still going strong in San Fran. Here's a peek:


Rentecca: I have known this gal for years and am always amazed at what she will come up with next. Here is one of her performances at Trannyshack


Heklina was charming, funny and such a wonderful hostess. Here she is doing the Trannyshack song:


And Cockatelia? Well she stopped the show with her tortilla number but I can't find any video of her so you'll just have to wait until I upload the Trannyshack Southwest video. Sorry babies but check back soon for pics and videos of the entire event!
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