Wenda Watch's Hot Dish Diner

Wenda Watch's Hot Dish Diner http://www.wendawatch.com A fun campy site hosted by Miss Wenda Watch. Come sit a spell in her Hot Dish Diner and get some of the hottest Dish on the web!  Lauyan TOWeb en Thu, 4 Sep 2008 15:41:25 GMT Hi Babies! Wenda Watch's Gay 101 The on-line companion to New Mexico's The Voice column "Gay 101" Well Hi Babies ! It's me your old pal Wenda Watch. Lord what a rocky Well my Lord what a long hard road it has been! For those of you who go way back with me to my days as cable access queen and host of my very own white-trash cooking show beamed directly from my mobile home to yours it is so good to be back with you again! For those of you I am just meeting allow me to introduce myself. My name is Wenda Watch and I have been involved with the gays now for over 20 years, and really through no fault of my own. What happened was like I said earlier back in the late 80's I was just mindin' my own business, doin' my cooking show when somehow the satellite beam got screwed up and off it shot over San Francisco right into the home of my now dear friend Sister Zsa Zsa Glamour of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Well she thought my show was funny or campy or somethin' like that (To this day still not real sure why. I was just cookin' my favorite Spam recipes. Nothin funny ‘bout Spam.) Anyway, she asked if I would come to San Fran and do her show Lavender Lounge. Well my husband Burl is on the road truckin' so much and all of the kids is gone, well ‘cept for Goat and he's so busy what with runnin' his tattoo parlor out there in the converted carport garage that he never misses me so I said ‘why not!' Well before I know it I get swept off into the dizzying highs and horrible lows of the queer lifestyle. Party after party star after star. Before I knew what was happening I was wisked off to nowhere else but Hollywood! Just like a slightly larger Lana Turner (who said “who?!”) I was taken to La La Land to be a part of QTN; the first international privately run Queer Television Network! Yes Babies, Miss Wenda was on her way! How thrilling that little ‘ol me was picked by a television network to criss-cross dress America and travel from state to state exploring the wondrous world of drag queens and kings and report back to all of you about all of it. Of course, with all of the love, support and desire that our wonderful country America has to give to welcome diversity and embrace the gay culture that it has, the damn thing went belly up within the year. Well you can imagine my shock and chagrin. There I was already getting signatures on the petition to give me a star on the Walk of Fame (If Donald trump can have one I can too, besides my wigs look better anyway.) when the heel dropped and I was out on my ear stranded in Hollywood. (Burbank actually and honey let me tell you it is a long hike over that hill!) What was a girl to do? Luckily, about this time Burl had pulled through Silver Lake where I was staying (don't ask) in his big rig and was gonna drive me back home to Oklahoma. Well, as we were goin' down I-40 I realized we would be passin' through New Mexico and I had always dreamed of seeing Albuquerque and Santa Fe! Now that I have seen ‘em I'm not quite sure why I had always dreamed that but in any state that is so brown I stick out like some exotic tropical flower I can't help but love it, so I stayed. Got me one of them what they call Casitas in Santa Fe and started lookin' for my gays. Well! You can imagine my shock and horror when snooping around the town so many of the fags back west call Santa Gay that I wasn't able to find even ONE gay bar. Well, there is one but its more like paying a visit to my great aunt Chubby at the retirement home back in Oklahoma affectionately called “God's Little Waiting Room” than it is visiting a gay club. Anyway, when I did run across the occasional gay, lesbian or (thank God!) a tranny I was just dumbfounded to learn they knew nothing of their, your, our fabulous gay heritage and history. No no no! This would not do! I immediately called up my dear friend Ryan at The Voice and I said “Who ever has been passing out gay cards around here is asleep at the wheel! Being gay means SO much more than sleeping with someone of the same sex you barely know and will regret meeting in the morning! It is more than knowing Brittany's precise location of every freakin' moment of every freakin' day. (Jesus can you imagine where that girl would be if she was talented? All this on a whiny voice and Manic Depression. Shit, if that's all it takes my closet should be filled with Grammy's by now!) Anyway, I realized that once again the GLBT community was in desperate need of Miss Wenda's help! Wonder Wenda to the rescue. So here's how its gonna go down kids. I will do my part to help the community by bringing fabulous, famous, wonderful GLBT community members to our dried up little neck of the woods here in New Mexico (Can anyone say Trannyshack Southwest starring Heklina of San Francisco fame? Stay tuned—I've got her comin' with a whole gaggle of Trannys in May!) But you're gonna have to do your part too. I am revoking everyone's gay cards as of now and we are all going back to school! I will be assigning ‘homo-work' for you all each week and the following week we will discuss what we learned and then get our new homo-work for the next week. You may be asked to read a book, download a Shirley Bassey song. (Who said ‘Who?!” See this is EXACTLY what I am talkin' about!) You may be asked to watch a camp classic movie or find out who Harvey Milk is before the big new Sean Penn movie about his life comes out. Eventually I hope to host gay movie night at one of the local theaters where we can all join together in a darken room, finally for once without a mirrored ball hanging from the roof and the smell of poppers hanging in the air. We can all come together in our faggotry, dykeness, and trannydom and bask in the glow of Judy in Oz, or Divine in Baltimore both magical wonderful moments in our Queer history. So-nice to meet ‘cha! If you see me out you'd better say ‘howdy!” Rest up ‘cause schools back in session starting next issue. Oh babies we are gonna have a ball together joyously trudging down the yellow brick road of our incredible GLBT history and heritage. So- stay tuned! I've got so much fun up my sleeve you'd think I was Doug Henning. (Who said “who?!”) http://www.wendawatch.com/topic/index.html#bv000004 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic/index.html#bv000004 Have a seat! Ya hungry? Pride on the Plaza Updates, Pics and Video Well I'll be durned! Everyone kept on tellin' me that although Santa Fe, New Mexico was full of gay Pride their Pride events were lacking quite a bit! Well boy were they wrong! One of the early event that week was takin' the Pride Train down to Lamy, NM. When we got there we got out and had BBQ then hopped back on board and on the way back your truly did every freakin' train number she could think of! %PRIDE_SLIDE% Next up was Pride on the Plaza Saturday morning. We started out in a float for max's with the good old "Over the Rainbow" thing goin' on and I of course played Wenda the Good Witch. That was so much fun and what a shock to end up winnin' FIRST PRIZE for the darned thing! Then I went on and hosted the Pride on the Plaza show right there in historic downtown Santa Fe and just had a ball. Your old gal Wenda even ended up makin' the COVER of the Santa Fe New Mexican Sunday paper! I just had such a good time all day long and ended it workin' the door for Max's fabulous after party. Here's a bunch of pictures and an photo album for ya! Thanks babies for makin' it such a success and I am already lookin' forward to next year! %PRIDEVIDEO% http://www.wendawatch.com/topic/index.html#bv000005 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic/index.html#bv000005 Have a seat! Ya hungry? Trannyshack Farewell Performance Thursday, September 04, 2008, 10:00AM %TRANNYFAREWELL% Well the amazing underground club and San Francisco's longest running drag show, Trannyshack, has come and gone. My dear friend Heklina was sweet enough to invite me out to San Francisco to be one of the "command performances" she featured with her last three shows at The Stud. I was honored to get to perform along side such amazing talent as FOUR past Miss Trannyshack title holders as well as the incredible Rentecca! The video is not the greatest quality as it was shot over the heads of the HUGE crowd from the back of the room but you can get to see about as well as everyone else there did. I had sucha great time and a huge "Thank you" goes out to Heklina for allowing me to perform on that stage one last time. Was it REALLY 12 years ago that I first performed there??? Wow! I look terrific! I just wish I got a picture with Heklina! Where is she? Oh yea, in the back counting all her money! Here is another clip from a viewer closer in the crowd. %HEKLINAFAREWELL% Here I am backstage amongst the glitter, glamour and what appears to be a glob of old lube. Hmmm, must be Rentecca's %BACKSTAGE% Here is a former Miss Trannyshack (and the first genetically female one too) as well as my good buddy Michael. %MEANDMICHAEL% I made so many new friends!!! %PRETTYPRETTY% Rent, honey. . .you are HUGE! %MEANDRENT% Just two simple girls out on a Tuesday night for some fun! Me and Rentecca. %MEANDRENT2% http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000004 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000004 Blogfast Hot Off The Griddle Blogfast is Served! Well, before we start chewin' the fat I gotta say I can NOT believe what a big movie center Santa Fe has become! Stars runnin' around here right and left. Hollywood nothin! Welcome to Tamalewood! Now, before we start gossipin' about all the stars I see comin' in and out of my diner WE need to get caught up. Oh calm down! Here: Britney did somethin' white-trashy and almost killed her baby again and Paris did somethin' white trashy and almost killed Britney and Nicole is passed out over under table twelve and won't even let me put some of my Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker on her afeared of the calorie. There now, back to me, It's just that I do so want to address this past Christmas. Seeing how I was so recently and so rudely kicked from the limelight and have just now landed in these white orthopedic waitress wedgies it made it so I was unfortunately forced to spend this past Christmas back home in Wetumpka, not only a fallen (almost) star but also a broke one. Had I been Norma Shearer and had this been a George Cukor film my story, although tragic, it would have warmed the hearts of all that encountered it. And I, with one single tear glistening in my eye like a giant 5 karat diamond, would have been the heroine to generations of women and very sensitive (yet tasteful) boys. However, I am Wenda Watch and my life is anything but a George Cukor movie. More and more I find its like a post-Divine John Waters flick that only leaves you with greasy popcorn hands and a heart full of embarathy. Embarrassment and empathy all rolled into one. (You know the feeling you get during American Idol when that nervous black girl is REALLY trying but OH LORD! she's no Whitney. Or watching the real Whitney on Bobby Brown's old show just screaming in the middle of a restaurant about her husband's farts and realizing she's no longer no Whitney. Or watching Oprah Winfrey dance and sing along to a guest star and she clearly doesn't know the words. Embarathy. You'll use it tomorrow, promise.) Now, interestingly enough, like so many trite Christmas tales that have come before I was offered up in a big shiny box the opportunity to find the real meaning of Christmas. Although I had Christmas' before with no money to speak of this time it wasn't from my husbands rampant drug and alcohol consumption. I really worked hard, was a good person, (well. . . ) and still I had this experience. There was a life lesson here and I was going to learn it, or eat my weight in Hello Dolly's in anger, so I proceeded thusly: Pauper's chin held high, martyred brow knitted just slightly (like Norma headed off to Reno for the big D) I was offering a hint of suffering behind a wall of spiritually based strength. (Shut up! It looked that way anyway.) I held myself up, open, and accepting of what the Universe had to teach me, no matter how embarrassing or degrading, desperately hoping it ended with me rushing back into the arms of my television crew after humiliating that damn Joan Crawford in front of everyone. . . . .Wait. . What? Anyhoo, as the holiday was unfolding itself and we all went from trailer to trailer visiting friends and relatives I was just crumbling inside. Meanwhile, on the outside, I was determined to spend the entire time filling each double wide from which I came and went with the same bare, open dignity and poise as the unadorned aluminum Christmas tree in the corner with only an empty Busch Lite can for a star; finally a shining serene object at one with the Universe. As I went through the experience, I explained to each person who was supposed to receive a gift from me my plight. I graciously accepted their gift while offering them only my hand in gratitude and a Joyous Noel hug. Through this I found one thing to be breath-takingly clear about people's basic generous open hearts and The Miracle of Christmas: It didn't amount to a hill of beans come Dec 24 and you were still empty handed. People were pretty damned pissed and figured I could have at least bought a roll of toilet paper from The Dollar General. Some of them even took their presents back! When I had to face MeMaw at The Retirement Shack she tore up her traditional $2.00 check, flicked the pieces and her cigarette butt back in my face and said "This is BULLSHIT man!" then tore off. I still have little tire marks she left across the top of my boots. I was shocked. So- I did some investigating and learned that in the Spring of 2002 America's greatest brands hyped a friendly limited corporate merger between themselves to pool their resources and take on the great public service task of updating antiquated racial, sexist and bigoted Christmas literature to a more user friendly politically correct format. Secretly however, fearing that America's reaction to 9/11 would be an enormous wake up call to come out from under the spell of the Brave New Corporate World America had forged, AT&T, Pepsi-Cola and The Home Depot bought the naming/gaming rights to The Spirits of Christmas Past, Present and Future respectively and they have been product branding all of our Christmas Eve dreams ever since. This explains how so easily we have come to recognize the true meaning of Christmas but still not give a shit. "Yea yea yea, baby in a manger, save all our souls, All is calm, All is bright but still; whatcha get me?" Supposedly the changes were to be so soft and well integrated that we wouldn't even detect the difference. You know, very similar to the silk like transition of "Candlestick Park" to "3-Com Baseball Space Playing Arena." Smooooth. I certainly wouldn't have investigated further but suddenly, "Visions of Dole Brand Sugar Plumb Alternative Lifestyle Couples Dancing in My Head" come to think of it did have a ring of familiarity about it. I normally wouldn't have noticed that either really but I remember through the dreamy fog of my last Christmas Eve dream thinking how odd it was the Sugar Plums were dancing to Gloria Gaynor. Then, this year while trying to put this whole mess behind me and just wishing to get back to sleep the Boom Boom Boom of the disco beat kicked in and suddenly the smell of poppers just knocked me in my kerchief right out of out of my bed! That's when I couldn't ignore it any longer and went to snoopin'. Anyway, I am back to Tamalewood where everything weird makes sense, thank God, and you can bet I am already saving for next Christmas. Jesus maybe the reason for the season but honey, Wal Marts has controlling interest. Welp, gotta go- I'll have more hot dish next time you drop in. "Hey Nicole! Honey get up! No that is not a napkin to wipe up your vomit! That is your dog honey!" Lord my load is heavy. Come back soon, ya hear! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000003 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000003 Blogfast Hot Off The Griddle Found some old footage Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 11:00 AM Babies! Lord more and more of my past life seems to be resurfacing and I couldn't be more thrilled! Unlike so many other aspiring actresses these days I have yet to make a sex tape (which probably explains why I am still not famous!) but I have made some television and film that I can share with everyone without first askin' the yougins' to leave the room. This here is what they call in the biz a "sizzle reel". It highlights all of your past work. I am stealing my dear sweet heart Andrew Scott's sizzle reel as I happen to appear in it here and there. He produced the fabulous talk show "On Q Live" and I had the honor to co-host the show for a week. Enjoy and there is MUCH more to come so keep checking back. %QLIVE% http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000005 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000005 Blogfast Hot Off The Griddle Tranny-Insanity! Monday, May 19, 2008, 1:30 AM Well it has come and gone and it was too much fun to even be believed! The Trannyshack girls made the past weekend an enormous success!! Now don't worry babies I will be posting lots of videos and pics of all of the events but for now let this little video tide you over. This is Matthew Martin as Baby Jane. He appeared this week in Santa Fe and absolutely brought the house down AFTER the real show ended and we ended up crashing a Cajun Crawfish Boil happening at Second Street Brewing Company across the street from Backroads Pizza where the show was. Well walking in with 7 drag queens (5 of whom where all over 7 feet tall!) was a bit scary but leave it to Miss Martin to pull a stunt out of her hat to rival one of the best scenes in "Priscilla Queen of the Desert." Before we even knew what was happening we look over and the broad is on stage with the Zitago band singing "All of Me" to beat the band!! We11 that made the entire room, rednecks and trannys alike, stand and cheer for this amazing performer and the rest of that incredible night is history! Here he is at San Francisco's Metro as his legendary Baby Jane Hudson. Go Baby Go Baby Go! %BABYJANE% And here is a preview for Matthew's upcoming film: Baby Jane %BJPREVIEW% Now let's talk about Peaches! What a doll. So sweet, so SPOOKY! Her Midnight Mass is still going strong in San Fran. Here's a peek: %PEACHES% Rentecca: I have known this gal for years and am always amazed at what she will come up with next. Here is one of her performances at Trannyshack %RENTECCA% Heklina was charming, funny and such a wonderful hostess. Here she is doing the Trannyshack song: %SHACK% And Cockatelia? Well she stopped the show with her tortilla number but I can't find any video of her so you'll just have to wait until I upload the Trannyshack Southwest video. Sorry babies but check back soon for pics and videos of the entire event! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000001 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic1/index.html#bv000001 Blogfast Hot Off The Griddle Fabulous Friday's Join me every Friday for a fun and fabulous new drag, cabaret, open mic night at The Rasilyard Restaurant and Saloon at 530 Guadalupe St. Life really is a drag! Yeee-Haw! Feel like showin' what you got up on the stage? Well email me at <a href="mailto:%4D%69%73%73%77%65%6E%64%61%77%61%74%63%68%40%67%6D%61%69%6C%2E%63%6F%6D">Misswendawatch@gmail.com</a> and I'd love to have you perform! (Just don't be prettier than me!) http://www.wendawatch.com/deliveryhowtosee/index.html#bv000001 http://www.wendawatch.com/deliveryhowtosee/index.html#bv000001 Fun things to do Wenda on the Wadio 9/02/08 %MOVINGRADIO% http://www.wendawatch.com/wendaonthewadio/index.html#bv000001 http://www.wendawatch.com/wendaonthewadio/index.html#bv000001 Wenda on the Wadio Podcasts Wenda's Letter to Jack-Jack I wrote this to my dear friend Jack E. Jett upon hearing he was planning on going for the world's record for the longest televised broadcast. Oh Jackie Honey!! The World's Record!!! Finally you will have earned a world record title without the words “Miss” “Tranny” or “Bukkake” in them. I am so proud! The thought of it just brings a tear to my eyes! Well I have some big news! Can you believe it? Here I am heading back home to Wetumpka Oklahoma after bein' thrown out on my ass in Hollywood when out of the blue I get the chance to set up a diner right here in Santa Fe! Well in my off time I have been trying to write for The Voice here in New Mexico. I was also asked about maybe writin' what they call a ‘blog' for my new site, which was donated by my dear friend Zsa Zsa Glamour. Well seein' as how she discovered me when my cable access feed got shot to the wrong satellite and she started airin' my cookin' show out there in San Fran how could I say no? I did however say ‘maybe.' I wanted to look at her website, <a target="_blank" href="http://www.lavenderlounge.com">www.lavenderlounge.com</a> first. Now, let me tell you I am no prude, and the longer George Bush is in office the more I want to rip my clothes off and run across the White House lawn screamin' “Give Me Back My Country!” however I was not quite prepared for the magic that is Lavender Lounge. The main reason being is ever since my husband Burl got drunk and threw up on my computer keyboard I have been forced to do all of my internet browsing at the local library. (As a side note now that Big Sheriff Pete won't let me target practice by shootin' rats at the dump anymore I have instead focused that energy learnin' the computer.) Well, when I tried to pull up the site <a target="_blank" href="http://www.LavenderLounge.com">www.LavenderLounge.com</a> I should have known something was up. I had to disable the firewall, shut down Windows Defender and hack in as an Administrator just to open the site, but I went ahead anyway. Usually Penny Patterson, our local shrew and librarian, has the content filters jacked so high you can't down load the alphabet passed the letter X so I was hopin' it was just her. Anyhoo, once I got a clear shot at the web and got into see ‘La Lounge' for myself I couldn't believe it! You cannot imagine my shock and surprise to find a very well laid out, bright and fun gay man's porn site with some other creative, interesting tid bits to look at in between “appreciating” the pictures and videos. How refreshing. That did it for me and right then and there I decided that I would love to be the filler in Sister Zsa Zsa's porn meatloaf! Why I would be helping socially by sharing my recipes and helpful hints to the public as well as helping physically by giving the tired members' hands a chance to uncramp while reading my writin's and such. Perfect! Of course in my world nothin' stays perfect for long and sure enough just then all hell broke loose. I guess Penny has some kind of alarm system back there behind the check-out desk because just as I heard the sirens I looked up to see her headed my way. Lord, God- she was scootin' down the isle so quick I was afraid a spark from the static electricity her Orthopedic Shoes were causin' would light up one of the dried out old book pages and we'd all be burnt alive, right there in the stacks! (Which, I was afraid, was Penny's plan in the first place.) Well I switched to the decoy tab I had opened earlier featuring my dear friend Betty Butterfield. Luckily a homeless man next to me was knee deep in some Tranny-Porn and Penny got him instead. ***(note to self: call Heklina and remind her to update her site.) Anyway, seein' as this is my first “blog,” ( I guess that's what they call them-‘Blog.' Sounds to me like when of my youngins' has a fever and comes in sayin' “Momb by nose id blogged.” I mean who thought that up? God forbid they name it somethin' purty like “e-spressions: the electronic expression”) I figure before I get to the task I have chosen to tackle with this “blog” (ugh! It's like the sound you make when you step in a sink hole) which is to bitch about the internet, (see I've started already) and maybe share a recipe or two, I figure we had better get reacquainted. Although we haven't been in touch much in the last few years, due to my hectic family life and your alcoholism, you have to know that bein' asked to do this makes me so proud! The thought of it just brings a tear to my eyes! I think it's because I have been feelin' like a real failure lately since neither me nor my family haven't amounted to much. Burl is still truckin' and so far not one of my real kids ever got further along than Uncle Smiley's Trade-School, which I still think is a rip off to this day. Teachin' kids how to repair old Beta-Maxs' and Garbage Disposals and passin' it off as “a steppin' stone to your dream career” to me is just blatant lies. I mean learnin' about fixin' just those two things can only come in so handy. Three years Goat went there and can't even jump start my car if I need. But oooh boy! If a fork gets caught down the drain he is Johnny-On-The-Spot! It breaks my heart to tell him a broom handle can do the same job he spent three years train' on and doesn't charge for the service. And Darlene, my dear dumb-ass daughter Darlene. I know she got her associates degree from El Reno Junior College and was the first Watch to get ANY type of higher learnin' but since her grades were based on the sexual act she was willing to perform on her “professors” to get them [you know ‘B for Blow' ‘A for Anal'] well I just don't think that counts! Now I do have my excuses for why you haven't heard from me in a million moons, and I have been meanin' to sit down and write you a letter several times but a couple things have gotten in my way. First and foremost is since Goat has yet to find a steady income in the Beta Max Revolution he swears is coming (do NOT mention DVD's to him AT ALL), well he has started his own tattoo parlor out under the carport and there is not an ink pen left in the house!! I tried to write you but all that was left in the house to write with was two broken crayons and a Sharpie and by the time the letter was done, well it looked like I was writin' to ya from the crazy house! (And I should know . . . I still have all of momma's letters.) The other reason is we are havin' a bit of a paper shortage around here, but I don't want to go in to that particular problem right now. You know I don't think we've spoken since my big nationwide television debut as hostess of The Q Television Network's Hit Show “Life's A Drag.” You remember QTN? It was one of the only gay television networks ever and with the love and support of America and its never-ending desire to accept change and embrace diversity the damn thing went belly up within a year. Actually it was just about the time I went to work there they went out of business come to think of it. Hmmmmmmmm? Odd. Anyhoo more inside dirt on that later. I only bring it up because we haven't spoken since then. Oh! Remember the day I got discovered? Just like Lana Turner sittin' at the Schwab's Drug Store Soda Counter covered in her pale pink sweater set. (Only I was at the Cum- N-Go covered in tattoo blood and Vaseline but why split hairs?) You were hosting “The Queer Edge” at the time and found me down to the Laundromat. I was just about to drop in my Downy Ball when you came in. People like you, who've been on TV and all, what with the way they dress and have their hair done, they are different than the rest of us. I saw you and just one thought came to mind the moment I laid eyes on you: there is one big homosexual. You burst into the Cum-N-Go and was making a big stink to Lovinda the owner. Something about “the store sign was very misleading” “Tourist Trap” “False Advertising” and “the total lack of truck stops along I-40”. I don't know what all. Well you kept talking about stuff none of us understood when you said somethin about findin' Glory and the Hole in your life. Fillin' your Glory Hole or somethin' (I figured it must be one of them new Spiritual Hollywood religions) well that was enough for Lovinda (a died in the wool Charismatic Pentecostal) and off she went speakin' in tongues and rollin' around. I remember you was just about to shove a pencil under her tongue when I jumped in and grabbed your hands. For the longest time all you could do was stare at my hands. You was admiring the yellow rubber gloves I wear to do my bleachin' and we got to talkin' and you said you thought I would be perfect for this show they were puttin' together. He was out lookin' for the average housewife (little does he know) to travel around the country and discover all of the different drag shows and styles out there. Well I wasn't born yesterday and knew you weren't talking about the car races. I may be from a small town, but the gays pop up everywhere and if you're in a little bitty ol' town like Wetumpka and have half a brain the first thing you do when you get to town is git in your car (or Big Wheel as the case may be) and drive around until you find yourself a gay. In these smaller country towns we tend to grow ‘em skinny, blonde and nervous. You'll know ‘em when you see ‘em. Anyway best advice I can give a married woman: Pull over, introduce yourself, offer him a ride, take him for a coca cola WHATEVER. Before you know it you will have the best friend a married mother of 6 could have. Honey they LIKE to clean. They'll do your hair bettern' anyone down to The Hair Barn, they'll keep you company and help you fold clothes. They don't mind skippin' school to come spend the day with you and watch all your stories together. Them little things don't hardly eat nothin' they's so nervous all the time and FUNNY! Child I can not begin to tell you. There is a couple cautions I should give if you are going to adopt a gay. They are to 1) Hide your prescription pain pills, 2) Don't leave ‘em alone with the satellite remote as Direct TV will only write off one of them $8.99 Playgirl Movie Rentals once and 3) you are just going to have to get over not allowing smoking in the house. It is well worth it! Just put the baby in the carriage and roll 'em out on the porch. The little 'uns need the fresh air and believe me them little queer boys need them cigarettes. More shaky than a tea cup poodle. Anyway, me and my “Bag” at the time (boy/fag: he made it up) had taken me all the way to Oklahoma City a couple of times to see the Legendary Ginger Lamar along with Kitty Bob Aimes and all those girls at The Boom. So I knew what "drag" you was talkin about. Anyway I don't know what hit me but I blurted out: “I'm gonna Criss Cross Dress America!” and you were in love. I remember I told ya “Ya know I've always said "Just because life's a drag doesn't mean it has to be ugly!” and I was hired. You said “Sandra is going to love you!” and I said “Sandra who?” You laughed and said “Sandra Bernhard of course!" She is going to be co-hosting my show with me.” Well I past out right then and there landing me smack dab in the middle of the pile of Goat's blood and ink stained AC/DC t-shirts I had hauled in there to wash. I thought maybe you just meant for me to have a small segment on your show trying to help fill those awkward gaps when Ms. Bernhardt was off stage having her lips re-filled. I thought we might just kind of sit around and chit chat about what's goin' on at The Lazy Hooker Hot Spot and Mobile Home Court that week. You were at first concerned I may not be available what with the baby and family and all but I told you: “Trust me; I will be on that plane out to Hollywood even if Old Sammy Been Llama was drivin' the plane hisself! (P.S.-What a prick huh? Like what ol Been Llama did to all them big old buildings and poor people out there in New York wasn't horrible enough, but now thanks to him with the gas prices have gotten just too damn high! I mean it takes $42.00 just to get the LTD to start for God's sake! It's a '79 and what did we know then? Hell its gotten so bad if I need to get anywhere around town I pretty much have to tie a sheet to Little Donnie's Big Wheel and pray for wind! And before you ask: yes, thank God, I did have the foresight to hide the Big Wheel behind the Cum-N-Go before I went in. Lord! Can you imagine if a big Hollywood Homosexual type like you, Mr. Jett had seen me peddlin' down main street in a day glo Big Wheel carrying a pile of bloody rags? You might have gotten the wrong impression! Anyway I'll fill you in on the details of my rise and fall to and from semi-notoriety in future e-spressions. (“electronic expressions” damn that's good. Its when I come up with stuff like that gets me to wonderin' just what exactly did God have in mind when he decided to plop me down in the middle of a cow field in Oklahoma. Sometimes I get so sick of it all I am ready to just call it quits and go deal black jack in Reno. I know it's a crazy dream but I think I could do it. I've been thinkin' about it a lot lately because so many things are goin' wrong around here.) The worst part of it all is the new baby is a fussin' all the time. See Burl, (you know my husband Burl; you met him right after that embarrassing moment at last year's “Wal Marts presents your local home town “Fashion Week EXXXTRAVAGANZA” and they were just about to reveal the new Kathie Lee Gifford line of Klan Robes and Capri Pants. Remember what an awkward moment THAT was? Oh, Lord-I'll never forget the moment when they revealed her new line of “Mix-N-Match Hate-Wear” (“the only time its okay to mix colors.”) She stood there in front of God and everbody and promised it was all guaranteed 100% kiddy-sweat-shop-factory made. (Its terrible, I know, but they do git them little bitty stitches just right) and then they pulled the curtain and everyone just kind of gasped and mumbled to themselves and shifted around with their heads down and kickin' the dirt. We were all just SO shocked none of us knew what to do! I mean what was she thinking? An entire collection of Klan Robes you could buy right off the rack and there it was, my God, right in front of us all to see: not a XXXL in the lot!!! What did she think all those XXX's were for in EXXXTRAVAGANZA anyway?? Decoration? Personally I can NOT stand the racist M.F.ers (pardon my French) we got around here but that is not the point. The point is to know your market Kathie! It's basic Economics 101. If you are going to bring a clothing line from California any further East than Arizona you might as well save the Mediums for your petite collection and start gittin' little Pepe' to stitchin' XXXX's as fast as he can. See- that's what happens when these health-nut California types come to town. Suddenly everyone's all super self conscious about how they look and they start actin' stupid like questioning takin' fourths at The Golden Corral. Its ALL you can eat people! Not AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO eat. Hell, if I know we're goin' Corral'n for lunch I just clear my schedule for the rest of the day. I know better. I usually leave there about as close to strokin' out as I ever hope to be and just plan on being comatose and immobile until tomorrow's breakfast at least. Yep, Californians hit town and pretty soon the next thing you know they're expectin' you to pay hard earned money for WATER! For WATER! Lord I thought I'd never see the day. Besides- Californians ain't nothin' but Oklahomans with the red dirt washed off ‘em. Anyway, back to my husband Burl,well as you know we are on a real tight budget what with his war wound and havin' to get the prosthetic and all. See he gets to havin' one (or twelve) too many Coors and ends up passin' out all over town and forgettin' where he went and left his fake leg at! Lord after three you'd think either someone would have found one and turned it in for the reward or he would have learned to tie a rope to it when he goes out to the Shanty for Chicken Night. But oh no! No such luck for your Miss Wenda. Personally I think he's been throwin' them into Old Mullvey's Pond if you ask me. I tell you what them prosthesis thingies are NOT cheap believe you me. So we are already scrapin' by as it is but then Last Sunday I wake up not only to find he's passed out and legless again but he's gone and drank all the diaper money! So this week here I am havin' to wrap the baby in old newspapers to keep him from peein' all over everything. I'd let him just go naked but Lord that kid can pee more than a rabid cat so I wrap him in newspaper. I know that sound horrible but I did start with the better quality paper I could find around here like I always use the Parade first and the motel stationary I take whenever we go to Branson for the shows. (See this is why I was out of paper to write you –but I don't want to get into that) Well you can just imagine that the newspaper gets that poor little baby boy all red and rashy and just as mean as spit. And then since I still have to try and save some money, by the time I get done with my coupon clippin', usually for diapers, how's that for irony? there ain't much left to use. Lord I can hardly lift my head to get another drink of beer I'm so tired of it all. And another baby to handle! I am just not up to it. I mean do YOU think it's bad I haven't named him yet? Its not that I don't love it, I mean him, it's just that I have got so much else to do that namin' him keeps gittin put to the bottom of the pile! Hey! Pyle! Maybe I'll call him Pyle; just like that Gilligan character on the TV. Maybe out in Hollywood I'll meet him and git his autograph and we'll hang it over his crib! Little Gilligan Pyle. . .wait, what?) Good Lord it is funny how things work. Like the fact that you and I had known each other years before when I was first married and you were my first skinny blonde gay. Of course I didn't recognize you after all these years all cleaned up and successful. Talkin' like this to you now makes me remember those care free days when I first met you. Member our mornin' talks when we'd sit across from one another on the steps to our adjoining' trailers with me sippin' my coffee? I had just woke up and was still pullin' Mr. Sandman out of my eyes and you over there on your step just a shakin' and gaggin' hung over to beat the band and doin' your best to try and sip down some old white lightnin' Daddy made back before he blew himself up. I kept some around just for you and your Monday mornings, and as a drain cleaner in emergencies. I'd sit there and you'd tell me about your big weekends out to the big city and goin' to the men's bars and sleepin in park toilets and I don't know what all! Lord, I thank God every time I get down on my knees for the day I met you. (And between you and me I seem to be on my knees a lot lately. Seems I am either always scrubbin' these floors or have'n to pleasure Skeet every Saturday like clock work and then there's the crawlin' around afterward tryin' to find out where his legs rolled off to—sometimes it feels like I git on my knees and talk to God more than Jimmy Swaggard after a night with a collection plate full of money and a church van full of hookers.) I will never forget the day you pulled up next to my trailer lot in your van. Remember that old thing? It was the van you had stolen from your Daddy after he found you in bed with his favorite huntin' dog and your uncle Little Ray- Ray. You asked if you could come and stay awhile. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was barely pregnant with number three, Peggy Jean, and you were puttin' yourself through Mr. Jacquie's House of Femme Quoiffures Beauty School by blowin' hair out at the Old Folks home durin' the day and blowin'truckers off 1-40 at night. Oh the stories you'd tell! (By the way- I have been meanin' to ask you-did they ever find the b-o-d-y? Have you ever heard anything about that? I watch Unsolved Mysteries ever now and again just to see if maybe. . .) oh dear friend I have missed you. Have you missed old Wenda? Well I'm getting weepy here so I better say goodbye. Lot 42 sure is empty without you. PLEASE WRITE SOON. Let's keep in touch here, every week. I'll update you about the goins' on in my world and as usual I got a few bones to pick as well. So we can just hem and haw all we want. I would love to get a real letter or two in the mail from you but if you need to get a hold of me quickly you can at <a href="mailto:%77%65%6E%64%61%40%77%65%6E%64%61%77%61%74%63%68%2E%63%6F%6D">wenda@wendawatch.com</a> just send me an “e-spression©” any time. (Okay! Okay! I'll drop it!) Oh! Damn it! I gotta run--the baby's just peed through the last page of my Sears Catalog and the only thing I can think of to do now is to either just go ahead and sit him in the cat box or start peelin' the labels off the canned goods. See. . .I ain't kiddin when I say “Write SOOON!” (I need the paper!) Before I go though: Honey, answer me this: How does someone get to a point in their life where they are frantically trying to find the last ink pen their convict son has yet to drain to tattoo his friends so she can write down which can of food is which because she has had to peel the labels to diaper their children? It all just snuck up so slowly its not until its all too far gone that you look up and say “Now how in the hell did I get here?” Oh well. This new change to the Southwest may just be the charge my life needs! Oh the baby! Damn it! Now-Where in the hell did I put down that Sharpie?? Love to you! XOXO Wenda http://www.wendawatch.com/topic4/index.html#bv000004 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic4/index.html#bv000004 Wenda rants to friends and family Pride Why I am the very embodiment of Pride! (And my hair has a hard-on!) http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page1.html#bv000037 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page1.html#bv000037 Eye Candy! Don't bring around a cloud . . . . The closest to Miss America I will ever come! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page2.html#bv000036 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page2.html#bv000036 Eye Candy! The SF Pride Prize Winnin' float! I'll be durned if we didn't win 1st Prize! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page3.html#bv000035 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page3.html#bv000035 Eye Candy! Me and Robo Such a cutie! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page5.html#bv000033 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page5.html#bv000033 Eye Candy! You gotta have friends Mary Jane Sweets, Lolly and Wenda the Good Witch http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page6.html#bv000032 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page6.html#bv000032 Eye Candy! Guava Chiffon The bitch ALWAYS looks good! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page7.html#bv000031 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page7.html#bv000031 Eye Candy! Pride on the Plaza Me doin' somethin' http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page8.html#bv000030 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page8.html#bv000030 Eye Candy! All aboard! Me gettin' on the Pride Train to Lamy http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page9.html#bv000028 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page9.html#bv000028 Eye Candy! Pardon Me Boy. . . Michael and I gettin' on board http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page10.html#bv000029 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page10.html#bv000029 Eye Candy! Makin' the line up for the Wise Fool "Raise the Rent" show Me and the Zuni Faeries and Miss Guava all got to perform for Wise Fool helpin' them raise some money to pay the rent on this amazing space. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page11.html#bv000021 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page11.html#bv000021 Eye Candy! Guava, I don't have room for you to do 6 numbers! This line up is a mess! For a bunch of mimes they sure have alot to say! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page12.html#bv000022 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page12.html#bv000022 Eye Candy! Make up Monk! Helpin' a sister out. The wonderful Monk from Zuni gets purty for the show. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page13.html#bv000023 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page13.html#bv000023 Eye Candy! The GORGEOUS Ivana Mandalay aka TOS Girl is TOO pretty for words. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page14.html#bv000024 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page14.html#bv000024 Eye Candy! Tos and Carolyn the Trapeze Diva What a pair! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page15.html#bv000025 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page15.html#bv000025 Eye Candy! Prince, Tos and Guava Boy or girl!? Make up your faces then make up your minds! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page16.html#bv000026 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page16.html#bv000026 Eye Candy! Prince Tos and Guava Ladies Please! A little decorum! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page17.html#bv000027 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page17.html#bv000027 Eye Candy! Caught in the curtains Up against the wall at Tilly's! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page18.html#bv000009 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page18.html#bv000009 Eye Candy! SPAM! Say what you will but a fried Spam sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise and a glass of cherry Kool-Aid is just damn good eatin'! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page19.html#bv000001 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page19.html#bv000001 Eye Candy! Mr and Miss Golden Gate The first ever crowned Mr and Miss Golden Gate Park. Dinner on the ground at the crowning ceremony. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page20.html#bv000002 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page20.html#bv000002 Eye Candy! Pretty pretty? Some of the many looks I sported while hosting "On Q Live" at QTN. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page21.html#bv000004 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page21.html#bv000004 Eye Candy! Wenda Goes Hollywood! Here I am in Russell Latham's hair chair! His siter Carol is a dear friend of mina and one of the Ho Ho Ho's! She is in the Christmas pic below on my left. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page22.html#bv000011 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page22.html#bv000011 Eye Candy! Pretty in Pink! That's as good as she get's ya'll! A girl can dream about being a supermodel but even with Hollywood's top make up and hair artist she often turns out looking like a fat Fran Drescher. Oh well. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page23.html#bv000013 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page23.html#bv000013 Eye Candy! Who's Who? A picture from my most favorite show ever. This is a "Do Unto Others" show back when I had my regular gig at Harvey's in San Francisco. All of us girls picked a queen and imitated her. That is actually my dearest love Gypsy Callabrese dressed as me. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page24.html#bv000005 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page24.html#bv000005 Eye Candy! Me as Gypsy At the "Do Unto Others" show at Harvey's here I am as my idol Gypsy Callabrese. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page25.html#bv000003 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page25.html#bv000003 Eye Candy! Gypsy Callabrese MY dear aunty Gypsy. I miss you every day! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page26.html#bv000010 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page26.html#bv000010 Eye Candy! Superstar Cockatelia! A dear friend and a mentor. She was the first girl to really step up and say "Wenda honey, if you are going to be a star you are just going to have to wash out that wig now and again!" Taught me so much! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page27.html#bv000015 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page27.html#bv000015 Eye Candy! Empress and Lady: Cockatelia Honey I can guarantee that is Jager spilling out of the corners of her mouth! I was the Countessa of Jager, Midler and Madness for her court so I KNOW! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page28.html#bv000016 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page28.html#bv000016 Eye Candy! Wenda Witched! From the "Magic Happens" campaign. Jim Jetskey did the art. So talented. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page29.html#bv000006 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page29.html#bv000006 Eye Candy! ho ho ho's The "Ho Ho Ho's" backstage while filming out Christmas special "Country Fried Christmas" http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page30.html#bv000007 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page30.html#bv000007 Eye Candy! My new BFF Guava Chiffon! Direct from Maui the luscious tropical "fruit" Guava Chiffon! Check us out at Max's Late Night Cafe every Friday night. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page31.html#bv000012 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page31.html#bv000012 Eye Candy! Heklina-Pretty as a picture! The superstar of Trannyshack and dear friend Heklina. A little RuPaul, a little Lady Bunny and ALOT Donald Trump=Hekina! LOVE HER! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page32.html#bv000014 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page32.html#bv000014 Eye Candy! Wenda Spam Postcard The one that started it all http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page33.html#bv000008 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page33.html#bv000008 Eye Candy! Pablo friend and fry cook I do SO want ya'll to get to know the staff here at The Hot Dish Diner so please meet Pablo fry cook extraordinaire! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page34.html#bv000017 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page34.html#bv000017 Eye Candy! One festive night out as The Divine Miss M I will never forget it ya know! http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page35.html#bv000018 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page35.html#bv000018 Eye Candy! The Real Deal! Bette! From "The Showgirl Must Go On" You can read my friend Darron's review of the show on the "My friend Derwood" link to your left http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page36.html#bv000019 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page36.html#bv000019 Eye Candy! The Showgirl Is ON! "Always find you light. They can't love ya if they can't see ya!" --Bette Midler The Showgirl Must Go On. http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page37.html#bv000020 http://www.wendawatch.com/topic2/page37.html#bv000020 Eye Candy! Lavender Lounge This site and its fabulous owner Mark Kliem are to whom I owe it all, including The Diner. I am including the link to his video blog to get you started exploring this mega-site because there are some very funny videos included here. Once you have clicked around and seen some of the videos hop on over to the main site <a target="_blank" href="http://www.lavenderlounge.com">www.lavenderlounge.com</a> and get yourself a membership. Lots of fun things to see and do, including an episode or two of my old show! ADULT CONTENT NOTICE: Please know although Lavender Lounge is a fun, campy and wonderfully entertaining site is is geared to adults (especially the gay male types) and should only be viewed by those over 18 years old! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000002 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000002 Favorites links Green Chile Kitchen Babies when you are out of New Mexico and just HAVE to have that green chile fix there just ain't no better place than San Francisco's own Green Chile Kitchen! The owner Trevor is such a prince and if you click on my dessert menu link, "Sweet Treats" you will see him and me havin' dinner on the ground as the very first ever Mr. and Miss Golden Gate. He's the Porter to my Dolly and can cook up a wicked Posole! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000004 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000004 Favorites links Bootleg Betty Honey now here is a site I can't go a DAY without checkin' on. The Divine Mr. D's Bette Midler fan site "Bootleg Betty" It has everything you could want in a site and more. Honey after gettin' the Diner up and running I have a new found awe for his prowess as a wonderful webmaster. His site is not only informative and fun, its down right entertaining! Drop by and see! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000005 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000005 Favorites links The Divine Mister D Honey the man has so many irons in the fire I don't know how he does it! Enjoy his personal page here. http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000003 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000003 Favorites links Betty Butterfield The down right funniest woman in the Mobile Home Park! I swear I have paid $10 for a big Hollywood 2 hour comedy and didn't laugh nearly as hard as I do watchin' this old gal. I included one here where the old gal weighs in on Election 2008, but be sure and visit her site and watch 'em all! %BETTY% http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000008 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000008 Favorites links Harpie's Bizarre Bewitched Fan Site There is no greater television show in history than "Bewitched" and for hours of entertainment pop on over to Harpies Bizarre and relish in the magic of it all! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000001 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000001 Favorites links Santa Fe Metaphysical Film Festival In its first year it it looks to be AMAZING! Hope you can come. http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000006 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000006 Favorites links Zuni Mountain Sanctuary Just met these amazing faeries and got to stay with them for a week. I spent the entire time dusting the place (ever try and keep a real adobe house dust free? Sheesh!) but them boys are just wonderful. There are some pictures posted on the dessert menu "Sweet Treats" if you wanna see us in action! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000007 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000007 Favorites links Trannyshack The longest running freak show in San Francisco! The amazing Heklina and her cast of crannys (crazy trannys?) are there for you every Tuesday at midnight. Well. . . for now. Better hurry the show ends soon! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000009 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000009 Favorites links MySpace Won't you be my friend? A great way to get updates for fun happenings around town! http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000010 http://www.wendawatch.com/chefsuggestions/index.html#bv000010 Favorites links Heklina and Matthew Martin Thank God you don't need an ID at Backroads Pizza! Fun for the whole family! http://www.wendawatch.com/trannyshacksouth/page8.html#bv000006 http://www.wendawatch.com/trannyshacksouth/page8.html#bv000006 Tranny-Insanity Pics